sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
