ugly people sure do ruin things
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
