last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
