some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
