I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
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