When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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