a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
