I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Is Oprah even human
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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