i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
