I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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