Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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