$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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