i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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