im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
