Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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