i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize