OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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