Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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