peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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