I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
