got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
