Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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