So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
