How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
how do flat chested girls get laid?
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize