Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
