Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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