how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
