Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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