Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
