I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
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