No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Is Oprah even human
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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