I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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