Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
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