Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
