I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Randomize
