walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
