She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
