If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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