are you still at the devil's house?
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
