last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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