Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
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