wanna go halves on a baby?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
