Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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