Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
A bitchslap is in order.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
