I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
