I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
