New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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