I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
