I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
