First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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