I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
