New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
