last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
