I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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