I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
