The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
