This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
