my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
We need a shit load of segways right now
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
