I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
