I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
