Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
