we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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