Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
