so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
