There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
