I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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