could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
